In Dreams

Dear Babe,

I dreamed of you again last night.

You've been visiting me in my sleep for the past couple of weeks and it's been increasing over the last few days. At first the dreams made me sad because I woke up not knowing what was real, not knowing where dreams ended and life without you began. Now I look forward to them; to seeing you and hearing your voice and feeling you close by. I look forward to sleep these days - not as an escape from life, you see, but rather as an opportunity to include you in this new life I'm beginning.

Some dreams allow me to see you and to drink in your face; others, like the one last night, I only get to hear your voice. It's funny how clearly I can hear you in this dream world - the voice is unmistakably yours. Down to the syllable, I can hear you just as well as I used to when you were sitting right next to me. I even correct your grammar in my dreams. It seems that even when sleeping, I can't kick the habits that used to drive you bonkers. Sorry, my love.

Last night I dreamed that I couldn't find you and I dialed your number. You answered right away. I asked you where you were, where you went, why you weren't with me anymore. "I'm here," you said. "I'm not with you but I'm here." In my dream you had left me to be with another but you wouldn't name her. "I can't be with you but I'm still with you." I yelled at you then, begging you to stop speaking in rhymes. You told me that you had to go but I wouldn't let you hang up. Instead I began reciting mundane activities, small victories I had earned:

"Babe, I brought the mattress outside by myself!"

"Atticus and Vera are best friends, you should see how they play!"

"I made it through a day at work without crying, without breaking down!"

"I've been wearing your socks again, but not your favorite ones, only the ones you said were girly colors!"

You laughed - oh, how it sounded like perfect music! I got to hear that laugh that I've been longing to hear for so long now. I kept going, sputtering pure nonsense, knowing somehow in my heart that I didn't have you much longer. "I have to go, I have to go, I have to go." You were firm but I heard the softness in your voice - you didn't want to leave me just as much as I didn't want you to go.

As soon as I knew you had hung up, I woke up to my alarm. I had tears on my cheeks but a smile on my lips. I replayed our conversation in my mind for a few minutes before turning on the light. Turning on the light meant that it was over and - even now - that transition between my dreamworld with you and real life as I know it is hard.

I find myself during waking hours thinking of things that I want to say to you when I see you again during the night. Things that I want. Things that I hope for. Things that I want you to know. Things that I hope will fly on the wings of my dreams and find their way to you, beyond the realm of the living.

Babe, I still sleep in your favorite Patriots t-shirt.

Babe, I never keep my clothes on the floor by the laundry basket anymore.

Babe, there are more people on this Earth that love us than I ever dreamed possible.

Babe, I'm working on the house, trying to make it look as good as we hoped when we first signed those papers. I will never give up on it.

Babe, I am getting stronger every day. I think you would be proud of me.

Babe, I love you every day.

Babe, I will be okay.

Until the next moon rises and I see you again,

Amanda