It wasn't just me, you know. There were others left behind. People have been so gentle and tender with me, so very accommodating, that I didn't notice their pain until recently. I'm not the only soul walking around with a hole where you used to be. Part of me was surprised. I thought it was me and me alone who was bleeding out. Then there was the other part of me, the part so in tune to every aspect of you, that could see it plain as day. You were so full of love and life - it wouldn't make sense for me to be the only broken one.
I find myself both comforted and saddened by their pain. It would be easier to handle (I think) if it was my sorrow alone that I had to chronicle and be aware of. But it's everyone. From your family to my family to our friends, both shared and our own. Neighbors and colleagues and the people at our grocery store that you would joke around with. The delivery man from the pizza shop, the gas station attendant. Your dart team. Other dart teams. Contractors who worked at our house. All of these people knew you. All of these people had your light radiated upon them for at least a moment. Some of us lucky ones had more than just a moment. I had the most. Lucky, lucky me.
In the days - weeks now - since your death (I hate that word the most since it is so unforgiving and permanent) I have come to know you in the eyes of others. That has been one of my greatest joys in this land of darkness I am navigating through. I knew that you hung the moon and stars but it warms me to know that others knew it, too. I've heard stories - touching, hilarious...and some that were cringe-inducing - and mentally stored them away to reflect on later. Those are stories that you would have told me over the years. Stories that I never got to hear on lazy days with wine and the animals or as we drove in the car.
Those who knew and loved you are mourning in their own ways. Some with me and some on their own. Mostly a little of both. There are those that reach out to me even more than they did before and then there are those who have withdrawn from me, unable to face me alone as Amanda, instead of Amanda and Tom. I understand both. There is no right way to grieve and believe me, if there was, I would certainly be following those rules. Some have dove headfirst into life ahead - Life Without Tom - and some tread in the memories they shared with you, unable to see the future before them. I don't know yet where I fall. Somewhere in between the mountains of grief and the eternal skies of future life. We miss you. That's all I know for sure.
You have been honored. Whether through stories or memorials or picture boards or tattoos (I got one for you - our wedding poem which rings true just as much today as the day I promised to be yours forever) or memorializing you through the name of your dart team. Everyone carries a piece of you with them. We will never let your light burn out. We will never let your face fade from memory. We will never lose your name on our lips.
You will live forever in us and through us.
Love,
Amanda
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