Two Months

Dear Babe,

It has been two months. Sixty-two days. One thousand four hundred and eighty-eight hours. Too many minutes. Impossible seconds. It feels like I just woke up yesterday next to you. It also feels like I haven't heard your voice in years. It seems strange to me that time has kept passing. Days have been changing with no regard for the fact that you're not changing with them. The world has ushered in another season and yet you are forever in summer. It will never be Autumn for you again. Your winter clothes will never be brought out. You always hated the cold.

So much has changed in the wake of losing you. So much has remained stubbornly the same. Maybe one day I will relearn how not to contradict myself but as of now my life is one walking contradiction. Some days I wake up smiling and some days I wish I could hide under the covers with Orange. They all know you're gone. Orange, Big Black, Little Black, Vera, Atticus. Our whole little zoo. They are acutely aware of your absence and still actively seek you out. I remember after some nights of you drinking you would get emotional thinking about how Orange and Black were getting old. Sometimes you even cried. We would declare our animals off limits to Heaven. We would declare each other off limits to Heaven, too. How silly we were then. And so in love. And young. And healthy. With everything waiting for us ahead.

Sometimes I think about what I would choose if the future could be told. If I could've known before I lost you that you were going to depart - would I change anything? Everything? Nothing at all? If I knew, I think I would stare at you for one whole day, just memorizing you to my soul. Or maybe I would ask you to read to me  like you would when I was sick. I would bottle your words so I would have them on days like this when I would give my soul to hear you talk to me. Perhaps I would lay for hours in bed with your arms wrapped around me so I could learn how to give the hugs that you did. Did you know that I felt like my heart was safe every time I was in your arms? I think one of my favorite things would be thanking you for everything.

Thank you for accepting me exactly how I am.

Thank you for making me feel beautiful every single day.

Thank you for making me laugh so hard that I couldn't stop smiling.

Thank you for cooking the best grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Thank you for loving my family.

Thank you for always knowing how to scare away the monsters under the bed.

Thank you for your kisses.

Thank you for giving me butterflies Every. Single. Day.

Thank you for giving me the strength to get through these past two months of hell.

I don't think I would want to know. I don't think I would want to know what was coming. Because I would try in vain to stop it.and I would've ended up wasting the last seconds. The last moments of you being you. The last moments of us being us. Those last moments of you being here. Those moments give me my legs when I feel too weak to move on.

I miss you every minute. I love you every second.

Love,

Amanda