There are so many things I'm afraid of. Of course I'm afraid of never being a mother. That's a given; hell, that's what this whole blog is about. But that's not what keeps me up at night. The little things keep me up. The intrinsic details of what being a mother is. I miss them already, in anticipation of the worst coming true.
The feeling of my child stirring within me. The anticipation. Hearing a heartbeat. The excitement on my husband's face. The birth.
Bringing a new Valentine home from the hospital. Watching Tom become a father in front of me. Seeing things for the first time through a child's eyes. Hearing new laughter. Being a family.
I mourn for these things already. It's a defense mechanism. Just in case. I want to get over the devastation before the devastation takes place. But with every passing month my heart breaks a little more. Every announcement I hear. Every birth that takes place. Families becoming complete all around me.
I wear these fears like a badge that no one can see. No one except for the women who are also going through it. We nod at each other in observance of these wounds we're carrying. Holding hands wordlessly, kindred in the things we are missing.
I too am in TTC land and have been for 2 years. I understand what you are going through. I also have started looking at my weight to get that in a good place as well...I have a lot of success using the digest diet. It has opened my eyes to portion control and a ton of new foods! Good luck to you!!
ReplyDeleteI ran across your blog on Pinterest. My hubby and I have been together 12 years and facing infertility since the ink dried on our marriage license. I also struggle with my weight which has caused many problems for me. I pray your journey goes as smooth as possible.
ReplyDeleteWe have been waiting for our forever baby to find us through domestic infant adoption for the last 2 years so know that there are other ways to grow your family if you had too....take care!!
Delete